SkyMall

I am on a flight to Colorado and due to the runway traffic at LaGuardia and the fact that we were number 92 on line for takeoff, I am one hour into the actual flight time and without reading material. (Three gossip magazines and 27 pages on Kate Gosselin. Who gives a flying sh_t?) So I peer into the little pouch in the back of the seat in front of me. I do this carefully, a two-finger pull back of the stretchy material because this is a place that my 43 years on earth has taught me requires care before entering….like rubber gloves and perhaps a gas mask. Apparently, cleaning the plane does not include these pouches and I am declaring now that I think the safety video should add something about that. They take the time to tell me my seat has to be upright because the two inches it reclines is somehow a safety hazard (how can that be a difference between life and death?) but a little warning that I could reach in to the pouch for a magazine and get a half-eaten sticky lollipop stuck to my hand or someone else’s booger-filled tissue and be traumatized forever is not mentioned.

My peer into the pouch reveals “Sky Mall” magazine. Someone explain this to me, ‘cause I don’t get the “Sky Mall.” Quite frankly this is the last place I am shopping for gardening tools. What if I don’t land safely? Who will use my hoe then? But Hammacher Schlemmer does not agree with me. They have compiled this glossy book to offer me, amongst other things, a “Marshmallow shooter.” It is a pump action device that shoots edible marshmallows rapid fire. I decide “I gotta get me one of those,” but they cannot take advantage of my desire to impulse shop as…..go figure?.... I am in the sky!!! What are the odds that upon deplaning I will say to Eric, “Stop right there, I need to call 1800skymall?” Even though he was eyeing the digital camera swim mask, I don’t think he would be thrilled. It’s okay though because I will forever remember my favorite part of the catalogue which is that at the top of every page it says, “Can’t decide what to buy? Get a Skymall gift card.” I am totally buying that for someone I love when I get around to it….just to see their face when they open it. “Oh, a Skymall gift card….how thoughtful!”

This does entertain me, however….for a good half hour….which is not an easy task while I am in flight. I don’t love air travel….but I do love to go places….just another contradiction of my life that I have to deal with. So, I humor myself with crazy thoughts and observations when I am flying to pass the time like which illiterate airline employee created a sign that says “No smoking in the toilet?” Shouldn’t it say “lavatory” or bathroom?” Who can fit in the toilet? “Look out…I am going in.”

Oh you have no idea what it is like to live inside my head…
Thanks for letting me share.

xoxoxox
From “Almost in Denver”