What If The Housewives Crossed The Bridge?

Last night I dreamt I was hangin' with the Real Housewives Of New Jersey. It was a very vivid dream. We were sitting around, drinking wine and talking about our "bubbies." Teresa's are new, Caroline's are real (alright already, we believe you) and Dina says she thinks hers are too big...but we know she and invisible Tommy love them. Anyway, I explained to Teresa that Jewish people call their grandmas "bubbies" but she didn't get it...and when I told her she didn't understand my joke, she threw a table at me and said something about disrespecting her. I apologized and kissed "Delicious and Juicy Joe's" pinky ring and told Teresa I love her anyway. Then Jacqueline and Danielle came over and that is when things got interesting......

The doorbell rang. We were at Teresa's new chateau (Joe said he was only kidding...he didn't really pay for the whole thing in cash....no, really...he is in a legitimate business, he just can't tell us what it is). Who was at the door? The Real Housewives of New York City. I invited them.

Introductions were interesting. Everyone was warm and fuzzy....except Kelly and Danielle did this strange thing. They just stared each other down and circled each other like boxers do at the start of a bout. Oh and Teresa was a little miffed when after saying, "Aint this a freakin' hoot?" the Countess corrected her grammar and told her ladies don't say "freakin." Dina looked confused when Jill complemented her blouse by saying, "nice shmata" and Bethenny looked a little scared when Caroline said, "Oh, you're the 'Skinny Bitch." But after that....it got better.

Jill asked for a tour of the house and whipped out a measuring tape and started measuring windows. "You must let Bobby do all your treatments?" said Jill. "Oh, is he a plastic surgeon? 'Cause we just had a botox party." Jill explained that she meant "window treatments" and that Bobby was in fact theeee Bobby Zarin of Zarin Fabrics. Ramona scolded Jill. "It's not classy to promote yourself Jill. Do I have to show you the 'Social Register' again?"

Caroline asked, "Where's the other one of yous (pronounced like "use")? Isn't there a sixth? Bethenny said, "Oh you mean Alex? She wouldn't come without Simon." "Why didn't she bring Simon?" asked Dina. Ramona took this one. "Well," she said. "We took the limo through that dreadful borough called Brooklyn, where there are no decent restaurants I might add, and when we showed up, Simon was dressed like a Jonas Brother wearing Capezios. I thought I would die and Bethenny said something about how Vinny Boombotz and Joey BagODonuts from New Jersey would probably kick Simon's ass.... when Simon took one look at the limo driver...he remembered him as the driver that made a wrong turn and ruined Alex's birthday surprise and went running back into the house crying. Alex followed and so, they aren't here."

Is this the best dream ever?

I went roaming through the house looking for Kelly and Danielle. I found them in the living room staring at each other's hands. I heard Kelly ask Danielle, "How did your fingerprints come out when you were arrested? 'Cause mine were nice. I am thinking of using them on my next Halloween party invitation." Danielle screamed, "Awright, who showed you my g-ddamn book? It was that b_tch Dina wasn't it?"

No one even heard the Countess say, "Now ladies, let's use our manners," because Caroline came flying into the room with a butcher knife and Jacqueline running behind her screaming "You're lying" ....and wouldn't you know it, I woke up.

I don't like violence....but I really would love to see what would happen if the New York City ladies crossed the George Washington Bridge for a week or so. Maybe the Jersey girls could help them with book sequels. Caroline suggested to Bethenny that they work on "Fahgettabout Thin: Eat Cheesecake and Be Thick As Thieves." Teresa's talking to the Countess about "Classy Broads Part 2: How Not To Flair Your Nostrils When You Lose Your Sh-t." I just know lots of good things would come from that meeting.

Next dream: TheVuvClub takes on either one of these groups in our own version of "Survivor Long Island." I say true friends would defeat them in any challenge.
Bring it on ladies!!